Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Santa's Shocking Announcement to the World: "I am Now a Muslim"

Stating that "In my heart, I have always believed in the oneness of God Almighty", Saint Nicholas, the jolly, venerable Christmas figure known for centuries as Santa Claus, announced that he had taken his Shahada, or declaration of faith, and formally 'reverted' to the religion of Islam.

It is believed that this religious transition is unprecedented in the thousands of years of Christmas celebrations that take place every December 25th.Nicholas, who is thought to be some 1100 years of age, apparently made the transition to Islamic belief during one of his recent visits to the Arab world. He is thought to have made the declaration in Egypt last December 25th, at a private ceremony in Cairo.

It is not immediately known if his wife, any of his elves, or other North Pole denizens joined him in leaving his (presumed) religion of Christianity and declaring faith in Islam, although sources at the North Pole have indicated that the Santa workshop is in "utter confusion and chaos" following the announcement from Claus.

Commenting on his embrace of the world's fastest-growing religion, Claus-who will now be formally known as Mustafa Jabbar Ali Al-Islam-noted to reporters that he was "sick" of bringing Pagan traditions into the veneration of the traditional birthday of Jesus, and that "the December 25th date was really an invention that came from the celebration of the (Pagan) Winter Solstice, and had nothing to do with the birth of Christ, Peace Be Upon Him."

"And what's more", Claus reminded the stunned reporters, " the so-called Christmas holiday is really a money making scheme for business, and not a genuine celebration of the birth of Jesus. I'm just sick of the deception, and although he is certainly a prophet but not a deity, Islam-true Islam-is the real way to honor him".

The stock prices of major retailers and toy manufacturers plummeted by 50 per cent on major exchanges throughout the world as the news of Claus' conversion to Islam spread throughout the post-Christmas investment community.

When asked about his future plans, Claus/Al-Islam told reporters that he did plan to resume his December flights around the globe, but instead of toys, he would be carrying "translations of the Qur'an and the Hadith of Prophet Muhammad, Peace be unto him, to children around the world."

Spokespersons for major Christian denominations, including the Vatican, expressed "shock and outrage" on hearing the news. Also, Air Force Brigadier General John Watson, a spokesperson for NORAD, the North American Air Defense Command responsible for monitoring the flight of Santa's sleigh every December 25th, noted that "we will do everything we can to prevent future flights of the sleigh and the Reindeer, and we reserve the right to take military action if Claus decides to test us and fly next year."

"After all", General Watson concluded, "If he's a Muslim now, we simply can't trust him, or know what he's really carrying in that big bag of his."

Ibrahim Ramey

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